A Confession to You, All the Lies I threw…
How many times have we lied, even about the smallest of the things, to help us get through the door? The ultimate aim has always been to spend some time with them and eventually hide our emotions for we fear losing them.
A letter from a guy to the girl, who confesses to all the lies he’s told her. He leaves it on the girl to figure out the lies. But, he just mentions the Truth. It’s not a story with an ending but a sneak peek into what we might have been through, at some point in our lives.
NOTE: This is fiction. It doesn’t relate to anyone’s personal lives. It is written in first person to allow the reader to relate to themselves, to the extent possible.
Let’s Begin…
This is not a Love Letter so you can safely read it through and not burn my email into ashes. A humble request from you, don’t get angry after reading it through. It is quite long but only read it when you have the time and try reading it in full.
I lied to you about a few things and I don’t want to keep those lies with me as I move ahead and close another chapter of my life. A chapter on you. It sounds cliche and it is. I get to set the stage, Right? Like the dialogue in those movies:
“If you’re reading this, then I’m already dead…”
HOLD ON!! I’m not dead, not even close. My version of the dialogue will be:
“If you’re reading this, then I’ve decided to move forward and let go of that feeling.”
Does it sound familiar? Well, let me walk you through it. No worries! I don’t want you to stress on something this small and tiny, like a needle in a haystack.
I don’t remember the date we first met on but should be somewhere around mid of December? Yes? I’d like to describe it as: I come up in this quarters and some random t-shirt which I just pulled out of my cupboard and I see you, fully dressed up. One Gorgeous and Cute looking girl walking towards me, her hair flowing through the air and her face, Sun kissed.
Damn! I had that inferiority complex, right at that moment. In this case, I was that random Cinderella who goes to that Prince’s party. I was the Cinderella here. I know you’re like: “One hell of an analogy.” But yes, I accept that I’m bad at analogies but yeah, it is what it is. So, to continue, we have a seat, have some coffee and I just keep on talking. Blah Blah Blah Blah..!
I was nervous and I just wanted to speak so that I don’t get that weird nervous face look. I still remember you asked me about something and instead of answering that, I kept blabbering about how we guys went onto try this random things around the town. And hence, a few days back, I asked you the same question because I felt like I didn’t let you speak. Well, you didn’t answer and ignored that question.
Again being cliche, stay with me. Okay? So, I’m sitting there with a gorgeous and cute girl with a cheek to cheek smile in a nice little coffee shop, off the coast of Western Ghats of India and that’s something I cannot forget. And I was like: What did I wear to meet her? I should have thought more thoroughly before wearing it.
First Truth: I was flat the moment I saw that Smile. And that’s the first thing I noticed when we met.
And I think that was the reason of me being so nervous. Psychologists say that when we talk to someone, maintain an eye contact, and I was confused whether I should look into those shiny little eyes or see you smile. And I think I probably can imagine you, either with a fury face or a cute small smile, right while you’re reading it through. Yes? Right there! Aha!
Usually, when people are ignored, they tend to leave those people and move out. I think I was the stubborn one and checked on you every day to make sure you’re not alone if you needed someone. Let’s take the worse case scenario, that you wanted me to stop messaging but couldn’t say it out loud. Maybe because I’d feel bad about it. I can only imagine your reaction right now. You’ll either be like:
Yes, exactly! This is what I wanted to say from weeks and finally you understand it, you moron.
OR
You still don’t get it right? How many times I have to tell you that I‘m overwhelmed with all that’s happening in my life at the moment?
And we’re not debating over this as this is a one sided conversation. I get the privilege to write my point here. So, the reason I checked on you was to make sure you have a good start to a morning and maybe, head down to bed with a creepy little smile in your mind.
Second Truth: I started caring about how you feel about yourself. Not that I could do anything about it, as I DIDN’T KNOW YOU, but that was something I tried to move away from but I guess I missed the opportunity to get down from the train.
I couldn’t get angry at you. Damn! I mean you didn’t care to check on me and all I did was delete your old messages so that I don’t see your name the next day and check on you, one more time. But, maybe I was just concerned, too much. Not my place to be, but yes.
Now, you see, what power, a smile of your holds? Be careful with it. You better make sure that it stays with you, no matter what. Now, I’m getting Bossy! I should Breathe In Breathe Out Breathe In Breathe Out. Phew!
Now comes the hard part. It really took me 2 pages to build up the stage. Let’s see if I can get past the Climax without you launching a Nuclear Bomb onto me. I’m really hoping for it. Shall we?
I know I’ve been on this wrong foot all this time. Because I knew what was coming for me. And then I finally decided to end it with a letter.
THIS LETTER!
Third Truth: I can never ask you out. I could have asked any other girl but if it was you, I couldn’t. Not because I didn’t want to go, but because I wanted to go and not screw up. I feared losing the bond, that I already have.
“Something is better than Nothing.”
Right? I just couldn’t say it. Why did I want to go out with you? Because I wanted to spend more time with you. Learn about YOU! Understand YOU! See that Smile! Look in those Eyes!
And if you ask me to say this to you, on your face, I’d probably will never be able to. I would want to, but maybe never. I agree to the point of: “No one can start loving someone in just under a Month!”
And I don’t love you. It’s still too early for me. But, I’ve not been finding an escape route for my life.
Fourth Truth: I know you don’t see me as a crush or a guy with whom you’d want to be or go on a date. And it’s better that I accept that fact as soon as I can.
I’m that random person whom you meet and I could be the Joker of your life but I hardly doubt about being someone so important. I’m not undermining myself, but just being a little realistic and pessimistic, if you may.
Fifth Truth: I made my travel plan via the coast, so that I could meet you one last time and say it out loud. But, looks like that is not happening.
We didn’t meet anyways. I was planning for a drive over the beach but became impossible when you mentioned about having the coffee in that small little shop in the most crowded part of the city. I wasn’t expecting this, not because it is a small shop, but because we could hardly hear each other talk due to the crowd and the noise.
And I think we’re not meeting anyways, ever. Because I don’t want to know your response to all of these truths. Or even how’d you react. Because to make peace with my bit, I just want to move away!
And I guess this ends my chapter. 6 lies that I told you and myself. 5 Truth that I realized and told you. Last one is not a tough guess, but I’d still mention it.
FINAL TRUTH: It’s been a while since I’ve had this feeling. And I’m pretty sure it is more than a fling or a simple crush. I know it leads me to a dead end. And I chose to take the Wrong Turn.
My Bad! I never thought I’ll have this feeling again, but looks like I was wrong. Just make me a promise, if you will: I DON’T want you to respond to this! I just want you to ignore this and make sure it doesn’t remind you of us.
